I planned it. I know I said I wouldn't, but I did.
I left work. Went for a tan. Went to the grocery store. Went home and showered. Shaved my legs. I even moisturized them for damn sake. I wore my cute little christmas shorts and my extra cute long white sweater. I drove all the way to the gym (which is the entirety of a block away). I even walked in. Walked all the way up the stairs to the weight room. Strode in like I had a purpose; looked around. Spotted him. Lost my breath. Quickly walked out.
I am such a loser. I think I blew that one. Since when is it my style not to get what I want? Especially boys for that matter. You know what the only two word in the history of words that I've said to him? Only towo. Just two. Excuse me. Thats it. I said excuse me. gawd.
so anyways, thats the day. i worked hard all day with hopes of meeting the man of my dreams (or at least a man for the time before dreams) and ended with a sub, greys anatomy and ugly betty. damn.
i think meghans got the idea with the book. Write and see what happens.
decision made. now to install word on this damn mac. bahahaha
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
SELF Magazine = how much do they really know?
So last night at the gym (where i did work out and didn't talk to gym boy) i was reading SELF magazine while on the treadmill. It was an article about depression.
Apparently depression isn't something that you necessarily feel sad about. You just feel blah. Most of the time you have headaches, don't sleep well, don't eat well, often feel exhausted and not able to do things you once loved to do.
And then I was thinking about that time I went to the doctor a few summers ago because i was having panic attacks and she said it was a form of depression and that I should go on meds.
I never did take the meds, I think I assumed it was one of those things that I could cure by myself. And what do you know.. i don't have panic attacks anymore. But after reading that article I was a little concerned. I do experience many of the symptoms they state in this article. But I don't think I'm depressed. And even if i was depressed, SELF magazine recommends going on medication to fix it. Here are my quams.
a) Is medication the solution to all of our problems? Isn't there a natural way that one can boost the chemicals in the body to help combat these symptoms?
b) If depression is something that 65% of women combat.. then maybe.. is it possible.. that doctors are blowing it out of proportion?
c)Am I trying to talk my way out of being depressed and taking meds?
Its quite the predicament. I've never thought killing myself was the answer to any problems. I don't cut myself or hate myself. I don't torture myself or feel guilty all of the time. Maybe I'm not an extreme case and am blowing this out of proportion myself. Or maybe I don't have depression at all, even though it does run in our family.
I think thats why I'm thinking about this. My mother has always babied us. Not like done everything for us type babying, but the type where she always wants to make sure our emotions are in check. And now, I've started doing that too. I rationalize my way out of feeling sad, lonely, heartbroken, etc. Is this so I don't throw my self off the deep end. Its worth considering.
Or am I just being positive. Im working on not complaining so much, and only complaining if I know there is a solution to my problem. Im working on doing things that make me happy more and getting exercise for some reason makes me happy. Im working on not hating people, but situations.
Perhaps my newly found positiveness will help combat my depression? Time will tellI suppose. Would any/all of you tell me if you thought I was falling into a deep depression. I would hope so. Who am i to comment on my mental health? lol
Apparently depression isn't something that you necessarily feel sad about. You just feel blah. Most of the time you have headaches, don't sleep well, don't eat well, often feel exhausted and not able to do things you once loved to do.
And then I was thinking about that time I went to the doctor a few summers ago because i was having panic attacks and she said it was a form of depression and that I should go on meds.
I never did take the meds, I think I assumed it was one of those things that I could cure by myself. And what do you know.. i don't have panic attacks anymore. But after reading that article I was a little concerned. I do experience many of the symptoms they state in this article. But I don't think I'm depressed. And even if i was depressed, SELF magazine recommends going on medication to fix it. Here are my quams.
a) Is medication the solution to all of our problems? Isn't there a natural way that one can boost the chemicals in the body to help combat these symptoms?
b) If depression is something that 65% of women combat.. then maybe.. is it possible.. that doctors are blowing it out of proportion?
c)Am I trying to talk my way out of being depressed and taking meds?
Its quite the predicament. I've never thought killing myself was the answer to any problems. I don't cut myself or hate myself. I don't torture myself or feel guilty all of the time. Maybe I'm not an extreme case and am blowing this out of proportion myself. Or maybe I don't have depression at all, even though it does run in our family.
I think thats why I'm thinking about this. My mother has always babied us. Not like done everything for us type babying, but the type where she always wants to make sure our emotions are in check. And now, I've started doing that too. I rationalize my way out of feeling sad, lonely, heartbroken, etc. Is this so I don't throw my self off the deep end. Its worth considering.
Or am I just being positive. Im working on not complaining so much, and only complaining if I know there is a solution to my problem. Im working on doing things that make me happy more and getting exercise for some reason makes me happy. Im working on not hating people, but situations.
Perhaps my newly found positiveness will help combat my depression? Time will tellI suppose. Would any/all of you tell me if you thought I was falling into a deep depression. I would hope so. Who am i to comment on my mental health? lol
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Donuts for Diets - the title of my book?
Tomorrow is donut day. It has been announced. I polled everyone on their donut tastes. I did a little dance.
The reason tomorrow is donut day is because today everyone wants to kill everyone. Donuts bring peace to a scary place. Do you think donuts would bring peace in Iraq? Or maybe not just Iraq but the entire middle east? Is it worth a try?
before, like yesterday, i was a fake believer that you work to live not live to work, but today I've decided im a real believer. I love my job, and most of the people I work with, but today I have decided I need more. Im going to go to the gym today (and not to work out, although I probably will anyways, my pants fit better now) to talk to the "gym boy". Im a terrible stalker. I haven't even managed his name yet. I don't really have a plan of attack, but I might have gathered one by the time 5 o'clock rolls around. Although, even the best made plans sometimes suck. So maybe no plan.
And i'm going to join dance again. Although all of these things cost money, but here is my delemia.
Do i save save save and move into a lovely little apartment where I can decorate, bring home boys, cook and feel independant or do i join dance and go out more and meet more people? I think I've answered my own question. I'ma damn near do anything to have my own place right about now.
Anyhoo. So Im going to write a book. A book that is under another name, so that maybe my mother and father won't feel ashamed of me. Thats a terrible thing to do. I know. If im so ashamed of all of the terrible naughty dirty things I've done I really shouldn't write a book. So here's plan B, I'll just loosely write the book about me and insert some crazy fiction so that i can tell my olds that its all fiction. Although that doesn't really seem true to me. I dunno. We'll see.
I know my last blog was very depressing, and to be honest i was in a very depressed state. who isn't after watching the notebook? and in all honesty, sometimes i do feel like that about that boy. and sometimes i don't. mostly just around holidays (vday, christmas day, birthday, anniversary, new years, st. patricks, september.. etc). lol. So basically most of the time. And I think thats where my sense of sexual wildness comes in. Filling a void i suppose (no pun intended. really. get your minds outa the gutter). I don't really want to do that anymore. If the notebook teaches us anything, time is time and its what you make of it, maybe he'll come back to me, and maybe he won't, but pining for him, or settling for everything or anything will not help the situation. so.. onto fuller more meaningful relationships.
wish me luck with gym boy.
and the harliquin romance novel i will soon write (with no romance and whore load of harliquin i might add).
xxoo waffles.
The reason tomorrow is donut day is because today everyone wants to kill everyone. Donuts bring peace to a scary place. Do you think donuts would bring peace in Iraq? Or maybe not just Iraq but the entire middle east? Is it worth a try?
before, like yesterday, i was a fake believer that you work to live not live to work, but today I've decided im a real believer. I love my job, and most of the people I work with, but today I have decided I need more. Im going to go to the gym today (and not to work out, although I probably will anyways, my pants fit better now) to talk to the "gym boy". Im a terrible stalker. I haven't even managed his name yet. I don't really have a plan of attack, but I might have gathered one by the time 5 o'clock rolls around. Although, even the best made plans sometimes suck. So maybe no plan.
And i'm going to join dance again. Although all of these things cost money, but here is my delemia.
Do i save save save and move into a lovely little apartment where I can decorate, bring home boys, cook and feel independant or do i join dance and go out more and meet more people? I think I've answered my own question. I'ma damn near do anything to have my own place right about now.
Anyhoo. So Im going to write a book. A book that is under another name, so that maybe my mother and father won't feel ashamed of me. Thats a terrible thing to do. I know. If im so ashamed of all of the terrible naughty dirty things I've done I really shouldn't write a book. So here's plan B, I'll just loosely write the book about me and insert some crazy fiction so that i can tell my olds that its all fiction. Although that doesn't really seem true to me. I dunno. We'll see.
I know my last blog was very depressing, and to be honest i was in a very depressed state. who isn't after watching the notebook? and in all honesty, sometimes i do feel like that about that boy. and sometimes i don't. mostly just around holidays (vday, christmas day, birthday, anniversary, new years, st. patricks, september.. etc). lol. So basically most of the time. And I think thats where my sense of sexual wildness comes in. Filling a void i suppose (no pun intended. really. get your minds outa the gutter). I don't really want to do that anymore. If the notebook teaches us anything, time is time and its what you make of it, maybe he'll come back to me, and maybe he won't, but pining for him, or settling for everything or anything will not help the situation. so.. onto fuller more meaningful relationships.
wish me luck with gym boy.
and the harliquin romance novel i will soon write (with no romance and whore load of harliquin i might add).
xxoo waffles.
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Dear Boy
Dear Boy;
Wednesday was valentines day. I won't lie. When I woke up in the morning, I was sad. The radio came on, like it does every other week day morning, at 6:45 and I thought "I don't want to listen to all of the happy in love people today." I listened to cd's on the way to work. When I got to work there were chocolates on my desk and I felt angry. I felt angry that they weren't from you. I felt angry that you were probably giving your new girl they same lines, the same wake up kiss, the same necklace, the same smile.
I've thought about you a lot the last couple days. On thursday i wanted to wear your necklace. Would you have known?
Why haven't you come to me? My mother said that when you love someone, truely madly soulmate kind of love, you know it and he knows it and nothing will come between it. I feel that way. All the time. I feel like one morning i'll wake up and you'll be here. Or i'll be there. And everything will be where we left it.
Somenights I like awake with my eyes opened in the dark pretending that we're in your room at your parents house and i'm up against the wall because you always have to sleep on the edge. I look at the clock and hope that your sleeping because you have to get up soon to go to work.
I think about you when I'm getting ready to go to work, I think about our last good byes at the airport when you promised me. absolutely promised me we would see each other again. That that wasn't the end. Sometimes when fuel comes on my ipod i cry and think about your very first letter to me.
Why don't you love me anymore? Why did you find it so easy to fall in love with that other girl. What am I supposed to do. It doesn't matter where I am, or who I'm with and what I am doing. I would give anything to hear you say you love me and miss me. I can't make those words come. We know i've tried. I travelled across the world for you.
And you won't do the same for me. I really haven't got any idea what I'm supposed to do now. Honestly I don't. Its been over 3 years, almost 4 since I've last seen you. I can't get over you. I can't. I've tried. And I can't. I don't now how.
god i miss you.
with love always.
Wednesday was valentines day. I won't lie. When I woke up in the morning, I was sad. The radio came on, like it does every other week day morning, at 6:45 and I thought "I don't want to listen to all of the happy in love people today." I listened to cd's on the way to work. When I got to work there were chocolates on my desk and I felt angry. I felt angry that they weren't from you. I felt angry that you were probably giving your new girl they same lines, the same wake up kiss, the same necklace, the same smile.
I've thought about you a lot the last couple days. On thursday i wanted to wear your necklace. Would you have known?
Why haven't you come to me? My mother said that when you love someone, truely madly soulmate kind of love, you know it and he knows it and nothing will come between it. I feel that way. All the time. I feel like one morning i'll wake up and you'll be here. Or i'll be there. And everything will be where we left it.
Somenights I like awake with my eyes opened in the dark pretending that we're in your room at your parents house and i'm up against the wall because you always have to sleep on the edge. I look at the clock and hope that your sleeping because you have to get up soon to go to work.
I think about you when I'm getting ready to go to work, I think about our last good byes at the airport when you promised me. absolutely promised me we would see each other again. That that wasn't the end. Sometimes when fuel comes on my ipod i cry and think about your very first letter to me.
Why don't you love me anymore? Why did you find it so easy to fall in love with that other girl. What am I supposed to do. It doesn't matter where I am, or who I'm with and what I am doing. I would give anything to hear you say you love me and miss me. I can't make those words come. We know i've tried. I travelled across the world for you.
And you won't do the same for me. I really haven't got any idea what I'm supposed to do now. Honestly I don't. Its been over 3 years, almost 4 since I've last seen you. I can't get over you. I can't. I've tried. And I can't. I don't now how.
god i miss you.
with love always.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)